This was a really difficult post for me to write, and an even harder one to publish. I’ve been wanting to share with you some things going on with me personally health-wise, but not only is it hard to open up and to share vulnerabilities, it’s even more difficult when you are right in the thick of things. It’s also super hard when you’ve worked so hard on a healthy lifestyle and are going through some major health issues. BUT I always try to be real with all of you and this community we have built together, so it didn’t feel right not to open up about it.
So here we go…
I started Lexi’s Clean Kitchen in 2013 to share recipes, to share my journey of how clean eating and real food changed my life, my gut health, and issues I was dealing with then. Eating clean and living a healthy lifestyle is something we have control over, it is amazing, it’s powerful, but it’s certainly not the end-all-be-all of optimal health, and there are certainly things in our life that we simply cannot control.
I thought, if I can’t offer a solution, like I did with healing my gut issues, then I shouldn’t open up and share. But then I thought, I certainly don’t want others to be under the impression that if they simply eat clean, that everything will magically be perfect and healed. That was certainly not the message I wanted you to get from me.
It’s vulnerable opening up to the world, let alone dealing with it privately as well. But with the recent passing of iconic Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade, it’s apparent more than ever, that nobody is untouched, nobody is perfect, that having it all doesn’t mean you have it all together, and that we all have our shit.
Many of you that follow me know some of the things that I have going on that I have talked about publicly for a while now. I have Candida overgrowth, the MTHFR gene mutation, some heavy metal issues, and a few other things, but recently was diagnosed with Lyme Disease along with discovering that I have a hereditary, genetic disorder that is effecting my physical movements and that can potentially progress (I will share more on this one day when I’m ready), but for example, I can no longer wear heels (and if you know me, you know I love my heels!), and sometimes walk a little funny. It’s been a really hard number of months dealing with everything emotionally, but I am finally ready to share this glimpse of it with you. I need to change my language of how I am talking about it, connect with my inner-self, and find peace with it all. Honestly? I currently have a big sense of embarrassment around it but even though it is now a part of me, I am not going to let this define who I am.
I am someone who has always protected myself by avoiding things that were going on in my life. I am good at putting on a happy smile and a la-de-da vibe, and carrying on. I needed that protector at points in my life and am grateful for it, but now that I can’t ignore and avoid certain things going on in my body and my mind, my emotions have been all over the place. It’s like dealing with everything I’ve suppressed for all of these years, on top of all the new found things happening. It’s been really, really hard.
Why am I sharing all this?
For starters, I want you to know you are not alone in whatever you are dealing with. We are all dealing with things, despite the perfect image social media might project. I want you to be able to give yourself compassion, to take things day-by-day, and of course I want you to know I am human too and that I am certainly not perfect. I think that sometimes being vulnerable and sharing/helping others can lead to personal acceptance. Another part of why I am sharing.
See, that’s been hard for me. I care what people think (ugh, why do we as humans spend so much time on this?), I don’t want people to see me as less than or not capable. But the thing is, I am capable. I am strong. I am enough. I am still the same Lexi. Regardless of what I have going on. This is even still hard for me to process. Yes, I may have issues setting me back, but it’s so in my head and me giving it all the power in the world (which I have been), and giving it so much of my thoughts, is not healthy.
See you go through stages when something major happens to you or you are going through something major. You go through denial, then grief (in this case for me the loss of some freedom, the unknown of the future), and then hopefully and ultimately acceptance and coping. This is the part I’m working on.
Though not super religious, this Serenity Prayer really resonates with me.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
It feels good to have answers to what has been going on, but it’s also scary and hard with so many unknowns. My therapist months ago said to me that I need to take things one day at a time, since I was/am constantly worrying, predicting the future, and ultimately driving myself crazy. Literally, such a simple line has really changed my perspective. I am taking each day as it comes, being grateful for all I have, loving the life I have built, and will conquer what continues to get thrown at me.
So what am I doing now?
- I’m going to therapy (it’s amazing and I recommend it to everyone).
- I’m working with my doctors and functional medicine doctors who I trust.
- I am working on opening up my detox pathways through supplementation, epsom salt baths, using the infrared sauna, and more.
- I am dealing with the lyme in the way my doctors and I have decided is the best course of action for me (Friendly Note: I am not a doctor, so please talk to yours for the best course of action for you).
- I am working on finding peace and acceptance with the unknown of my genetic disorder.
- I am going to really find my meditation practice, doing light exercise daily, and living a less stressful lifestyle.
- I am focusing on getting enough sleep.
- I am getting rid of toxic relationships that don’t serve me, and that don’t lift me up.
- I am going to try some alternative things like acupuncture, cryotherapy, and energy healing.
- I have been and am continuing to make my environment safer and less toxic. More on that in this post.
- Keeping up with my clean diet is a major part of the path to healing, so this has and will continue to be a major focus for me.
- And ultimately living and enjoying my life that I love, having some balance, and taking the hard parts day by day.
I truly believe in the power of food. I believe that food brings us together, that food can heal, that food can create a sense of tradition and culture, and that food can be a catalyst for living a full, energized life. I really believe that eating real, whole foods has not only changed my life back in 2013, but has helped me MAJORLY manage the things I have going on right now. But ALSO know that there are things it won’t cure and fix. There’s never a magic pill, but also know that it is one of the things, along with managing stress, getting quality sleep, switching to safer products, listening to our bodies, and so on — that we do and can have control over. Simply, we do our best. We control the things we can, and we manage what we cannot.
Lexi’s Clean Kitchen is mostly filled with nourishing recipes, but there are also tips for living a healthy lifestyle, travel guides, lifestyle posts, safer beauty and skincare, and so much more. I wanted to share all of this, though I know some people may say to ‘stick to posting food’, because I have been isolating myself and holding it in, rather than stepping up and embracing it and embracing the love around me, and that includes all of you. I feel grateful for my supportive family and friends who are there when I just want to cry, listen when I want to talk, and are just there to be there when they know I just need to NOT talk about it all. This community has become my home, I have and always will treat you all as my second family, and I am so grateful that we can go through life hardships together, pulling each other up, inspiring one another, and bringing positive energy to the hard times in life.
So my friends, let’s write the ending to our stories 🙂 If you are struggling, you are not alone. Have compassion for others and yourself and let it fill your heart, ask others how they are doing, and even harder, ask for help if you need it. Be conscious of things you say that may effect someone, and just always, always be kind. And please know you are not alone in whatever you may be dealing with, no matter how big or small. It does not define who you are.
Disclaimers: 1. I am not a doctor, so I am not fully sharing when you ask me what I supplements I’m taking, what my protocol is for lyme, detox, and so on. Our situations and bodies are all so different and taking things without knowing what’s going on in your body can be reckless. I encourage you to seek out medical professionals, healers, functional medicine doctors, and more, who you trust.
2. This post was really hard for me to share, so please, please keep the comment section kind. While I know your opinions and suggestions for certain things (like the lyme), is because you truly care, it can be extremely overwhelming to get an influx of opinions and recommendations of things to test for, try, and ultimately worry about. Know that I say this with all the love in my heart, but when I need a recommendation and opinions, I will 100% ask you for it. It’s all new and something I am going through currently. I don’t have all the answers, but I am working hard on healing myself physically and emotionally, gaining acceptance, and am working with good people that I trust, so I just ask you to respect that.
I will certainly keep you all posted on this health journey. Love you all and truly, truly grateful for you and your support. And thank you for read this essay (haha)!