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This was a really difficult post for me to write, and an even harder one to publish. I’ve been wanting to share with you some things going on with me personally health-wise, but not only is it hard to open up and to share vulnerabilities, it’s even more difficult when you are right in the thick of things. It’s also super hard when you’ve worked so hard on a healthy lifestyle and are going through some major health issues. BUT I always try to be real with all of you and this community we have built together, so it didn’t feel right not to open up about it.
So here we go…
I started Lexi’s Clean Kitchen in 2013 to share recipes, to share my journey of how clean eating and real food changed my life, my gut health, and issues I was dealing with then. Eating clean and living a healthy lifestyle is something we have control over, it is amazing, it’s powerful, but it’s certainly not the end-all-be-all of optimal health, and there are certainly things in our life that we simply cannot control.
I thought, if I can’t offer a solution, like I did with healing my gut issues, then I shouldn’t open up and share. But then I thought, I certainly don’t want others to be under the impression that if they simply eat clean, that everything will magically be perfect and healed. That was certainly not the message I wanted you to get from me.
It’s vulnerable opening up to the world, let alone dealing with it privately as well. But with the recent passing of iconic Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade, it’s apparent more than ever, that nobody is untouched, nobody is perfect, that having it all doesn’t mean you have it all together, and that we all have our shit.
Many of you that follow me know some of the things that I have going on that I have talked about publicly for a while now. I have Candida overgrowth, the MTHFR gene mutation, some heavy metal issues, and a few other things, but recently was diagnosed with Lyme Disease along with discovering that I have a hereditary, genetic disorder that is effecting my physical movements and that can potentially progress (I will share more on this one day when I’m ready), but for example, I can no longer wear heels (and if you know me, you know I love my heels!), and sometimes walk a little funny. It’s been a really hard number of months dealing with everything emotionally, but I am finally ready to share this glimpse of it with you. I need to change my language of how I am talking about it, connect with my inner-self, and find peace with it all. Honestly? I currently have a big sense of embarrassment around it but even though it is now a part of me, I am not going to let this define who I am.
I am someone who has always protected myself by avoiding things that were going on in my life. I am good at putting on a happy smile and a la-de-da vibe, and carrying on. I needed that protector at points in my life and am grateful for it, but now that I can’t ignore and avoid certain things going on in my body and my mind, my emotions have been all over the place. It’s like dealing with everything I’ve suppressed for all of these years, on top of all the new found things happening. It’s been really, really hard.
Why am I sharing all this?
For starters, I want you to know you are not alone in whatever you are dealing with. We are all dealing with things, despite the perfect image social media might project. I want you to be able to give yourself compassion, to take things day-by-day, and of course I want you to know I am human too and that I am certainly not perfect. I think that sometimes being vulnerable and sharing/helping others can lead to personal acceptance. Another part of why I am sharing.
See, that’s been hard for me. I care what people think (ugh, why do we as humans spend so much time on this?), I don’t want people to see me as less than or not capable. But the thing is, I am capable. I am strong. I am enough. I am still the same Lexi. Regardless of what I have going on. This is even still hard for me to process. Yes, I may have issues setting me back, but it’s so in my head and me giving it all the power in the world (which I have been), and giving it so much of my thoughts, is not healthy.
See you go through stages when something major happens to you or you are going through something major. You go through denial, then grief (in this case for me the loss of some freedom, the unknown of the future), and then hopefully and ultimately acceptance and coping. This is the part I’m working on.
Though not super religious, this Serenity Prayer really resonates with me.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
It feels good to have answers to what has been going on, but it’s also scary and hard with so many unknowns. My therapist months ago said to me that I need to take things one day at a time, since I was/am constantly worrying, predicting the future, and ultimately driving myself crazy. Literally, such a simple line has really changed my perspective. I am taking each day as it comes, being grateful for all I have, loving the life I have built, and will conquer what continues to get thrown at me.
So what am I doing now?
- I’m going to therapy (it’s amazing and I recommend it to everyone).
- I’m working with my doctors and functional medicine doctors who I trust.
- I am working on opening up my detox pathways through supplementation, epsom salt baths, using the infrared sauna, and more.
- I am dealing with the lyme in the way my doctors and I have decided is the best course of action for me (Friendly Note: I am not a doctor, so please talk to yours for the best course of action for you).
- I am working on finding peace and acceptance with the unknown of my genetic disorder.
- I am going to really find my meditation practice, doing light exercise daily, and living a less stressful lifestyle.
- I am focusing on getting enough sleep.
- I am getting rid of toxic relationships that don’t serve me, and that don’t lift me up.
- I am going to try some alternative things like acupuncture, cryotherapy, and energy healing.
- I have been and am continuing to make my environment safer and less toxic. More on that in this post.
- Keeping up with my clean diet is a major part of the path to healing, so this has and will continue to be a major focus for me.
- And ultimately living and enjoying my life that I love, having some balance, and taking the hard parts day by day.
My Takeaway:
I truly believe in the power of food. I believe that food brings us together, that food can heal, that food can create a sense of tradition and culture, and that food can be a catalyst for living a full, energized life. I really believe that eating real, whole foods has not only changed my life back in 2013, but has helped me MAJORLY manage the things I have going on right now. But ALSO know that there are things it won’t cure and fix. There’s never a magic pill, but also know that it is one of the things, along with managing stress, getting quality sleep, switching to safer products, listening to our bodies, and so on — that we do and can have control over. Simply, we do our best. We control the things we can, and we manage what we cannot.
Lexi’s Clean Kitchen is mostly filled with nourishing recipes, but there are also tips for living a healthy lifestyle, travel guides, lifestyle posts, safer beauty and skincare, and so much more. I wanted to share all of this, though I know some people may say to ‘stick to posting food’, because I have been isolating myself and holding it in, rather than stepping up and embracing it and embracing the love around me, and that includes all of you. I feel grateful for my supportive family and friends who are there when I just want to cry, listen when I want to talk, and are just there to be there when they know I just need to NOT talk about it all. This community has become my home, I have and always will treat you all as my second family, and I am so grateful that we can go through life hardships together, pulling each other up, inspiring one another, and bringing positive energy to the hard times in life.
“When you deny the story, it owns you. When you own the story, you get to write the ending.” — Brene Brown
So my friends, let’s write the ending to our stories 🙂 If you are struggling, you are not alone. Have compassion for others and yourself and let it fill your heart, ask others how they are doing, and even harder, ask for help if you need it. Be conscious of things you say that may effect someone, and just always, always be kind. And please know you are not alone in whatever you may be dealing with, no matter how big or small. It does not define who you are.
Disclaimers: 1. I am not a doctor, so I am not fully sharing when you ask me what I supplements I’m taking, what my protocol is for lyme, detox, and so on. Our situations and bodies are all so different and taking things without knowing what’s going on in your body can be reckless. I encourage you to seek out medical professionals, healers, functional medicine doctors, and more, who you trust.
2. This post was really hard for me to share, so please, please keep the comment section kind. While I know your opinions and suggestions for certain things (like the lyme), is because you truly care, it can be extremely overwhelming to get an influx of opinions and recommendations of things to test for, try, and ultimately worry about. Know that I say this with all the love in my heart, but when I need a recommendation and opinions, I will 100% ask you for it. It’s all new and something I am going through currently. I don’t have all the answers, but I am working hard on healing myself physically and emotionally, gaining acceptance, and am working with good people that I trust, so I just ask you to respect that.
I will certainly keep you all posted on this health journey. Love you all and truly, truly grateful for you and your support. And thank you for read this essay (haha)!
Your friend,
Lexi
I applaud your openness. I have a number of autoimmune diseases, but the most challenging one to accept is one that has severely effected my ability to walk. I wear amazing leg braces that have helped ameliorate my limitations. My journey started 21 years ago and while it has been arduous, I have fought hard for a normal life. I’ve raised my daughter, obtained a Master’s degeee in counseling, and have a rewarding career. I’m sharing to let you know that I appreciate you shining a light on your struggles and to let you know that doing so will help you live your fullest life. I’m hoping for the best possible outcome for you!
You are awesome Lexi! I have been a fan of your positive attitude since we met (back at Clough School council ). Wishing you health, happiness and strength!
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, and sending you a giant virtual hug! ❤️
Thank you for opening up with us and sharing your story Lexi. Totally agree with what you said :”We control the things we can, and we manage what we cannot” I too have had a hard long journey. I have POTS, MCAD, Alopecia Areata, Sleep Apnea, Gastroparesis and recently Celiac Disease – which is how I found your page – as I love your gluten free recipes. I was bedridden for the first two years of my long Ten years of being ill, while raising three young children and controlling what I could and managing what I couldn’t, which is what helped me the most – that and my Faith and prayer. Ultimately it was me advocating for myself and not giving up in finding what was happening with my body that lead to each diagnosis. I’ve been now gluten free for 8 months since my diagnosis with Celiac and I have been given my life back. I too go to Therapy and it is very beneficial. Controlling what we put into our bodies is key. I never thought I would be one to be eating “clean” but here I am trying to eat cleaner lol I have lost weight, I have my energy back, I have had to decrease my meds for my other illnesses all by just removing gluten. Thank you again for showing that we are not alone and that “despite the perfect image social media might project.” like you said we are all going thru something. I wish you all the best and I hope that each day you heal more and more and thank you again for the wonderful recipes you share with us. I look forward to trying out your recipes as they are always so delicious and gluten free 😀 By the way, my kids are now young adults and they grew up to be the most sensitive caring individuals because they have seen first hand how hard it is to live with an illness (or a few) and to still find positiveness in what we do have, it is all about perspective!
Thank you so much for sharing… You can become so isolated with a chronic condition… I have no visable wounds so everyone assumes I am ok… I am not… You courage to become vulnerable is very much appreciated… It has made me not feel so alone… ?
It was very brave of you to share this. Thank you for it and all of the delicious recipes also!
Lexi, your post reminds me to count my many blessings. I pray that your sharing brings some peace and renewed strength for the trials you face. I’ve been a casual follower of your recipes, but plan to pay better attention from now on. Have faith and carry on! Hugs
Thank you for sharing Lexi. I know it must have been challenging to open up about this, but I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for doing so. So many of us are going through things and I really believe we only help each other more by sharing the hard things. Sending you all my love and light. You got this!
Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story! Wishing you peace, health and happiness!
I admire you and I wish you all the luck in the world.
Thank you so much Adrian.
You are brave & beautiful in every sense of the word. Perfect is boring & no one gets out of here w/out these crazy challenges. I lost my mom a year ago to a horrible neurological illness & she had done it all right, but still happened. I took care of her through this 8 year battle & what I learned is not to enjoy each day, but each & every tiny moment regardless of how small ! We found joy everywhere even in the face of such tragedy. You have to or it consumes you & we are strong women who didn’t want to miss those moments! It’s okay to cry & get angry , but walk through it & then keep pushing! Love your IG & blog! We love you out here & that smile & what you do brightens our days. Thank you & we are praying for you & sending you love & light! ❤️ Maryanne
Thank you so much for sharing that Maryanne. Brought tears to my eyes ❤ Sending you so much love and so grateful for your words that I really needed to hear.
Hi Lexi, I’ve been following you since the very beginning and I don’t remember how I got to your page, but I’ve been cooking your wonderful recipes & reading your blog. I was diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis which is an auto immune illness and I understand your journey completely. I wish you the best outcome and Just remember to keep your head up high and never let anyone or anything get in your way. Sending healing prayers and gentle hugs.
Thank you so much Adriana. Appreciate you writing and sharing! Hugs to you!
This post took me from an Instagram follower to a blog reader. Thank you for sharing this.
I’m in a similar boat with multiple health issues and no clear answers or path to wellness. I understand your frustrations with suggestions and opinions that are meant to be helpful but instead breed further anxiety. For me, it can be hard to stay kind when I’m given advice like that , told to do things I already do or that I know to be harmful to me, or struggle with contradictory opinions. I am still learning to celebrate when things improve and not completely fall to pieces when things take a step backwards.
Sometimes reading that someone else is dealing with a similar issue and not giving up helps me keep going, too. Sending you my support and gratitude for sharing your life.
Totally agree with you Christine. It’s not that it’s not appreciated and welcome, but can often be overwhelming (especially while in the midst of figuring it all out). I hope you find the answers you are looking for and am confident you will. Sending you lots of love on your journey and know that I am here and you are not alone!
Amazing post! Living in a world where we often broadcast only the great things going on in our lives (clean houses, amazing vacations, perfect family photos), it is rare to have people post struggles, concerns, trials and obstacles for all to see. Thank you for being real and authentic. Difficult as it was I am certain that your transparency will benefit many, a lot of which you will never know. I, too, struggled with Lyme and had a very difficult time sharing my journey with others. It’s hard for others to understand the disease and it seems to change and morph daily, I often felt like people wouldn’t believe me. The few times I did share and open up brought forth wonderful people and others who were struggling with the same horrible condition and those that were just a gentle listening ear. I am grateful for your openness and vulnerability. I will be praying for you on this journey!
Thank you so much. I so appreciate you taking the time to write Kianna. Means so much and we are all certainly on this journey together! Sending you lots of love!
Hi Lexi,
How did you find out you had the the MTHFR gene mutation?
We did 23 and Me and plugged the results into Genetic Genie.
Lexi girl, I feel you. After almost a year of enduring mystery symptoms I too was diagnosed with Lyme a couple months ago. Luckily, I finally found a naturopath that has helped, along with doing ubi ozone therapy has helped greatly too. My brain fog is gone and feel like myself again. Still on the journey of healing but I know we’ll both get there. Love to you and love your blog. ❤️
So glad you are on this healing journey and I love your attitude about it. In this together! Sending lots of love.
I love you Lexi
Well said! You are amazing!!!
❤️❤️❤️
Oops. Somehow my typing got messed up there, but I’m sure you get what I am trying to say.
Dear Lexi, thank you for sharing. I feel certain that with your attitude and the love and support you have around you, you will thrive. I certainly understand some of what you were feeling as I just had my one year cancer survivor anniversary. I have also been through a multi year experience I feel certain that with your attitude and the love and support you have around you, you will thrive. I certainly understand some of what you were feeling as I just had my one year cancer survivor anniversary. I have also been through a multi year experience of Lyme with my daughter. I recently saw this quote which I am really trying to live by. Worrying does not take away tomorrow’s troubles. It takes away today’s happiness. Sending hugs and I thank you for everything you do. Take good care of yourself !
Thank you so much for sharing this Randy. I love that quote so much. Sending you and your daughter so much love.
Just said a prayer for you. Stay strong and true to you!